Forget about getting gray and old...when going out...go all out green!

When you elect to bury your nose in chapters penned out by Jane Brody based on reaching the Great Beyond, as much as it’s your biggest wishes to keep such connections of private lessons taught away from the circles of friends you keep, you’re suddenly bonked on the think maker and given reason to believe…there is an alternative.



Being this close to Halloween I can talk about this without falling witness to rolling eyes, hearing clicks of the tongue like a Valley Girl set free in the Carolina’s or being shoved toward a talk to the hand expression meant to keep all things assumed evil from the thin pages masterminding your plan called The Journey.



Twenty years from today plenty from this generation will look back and lip lock the gossip and American Culture that fed the veins of what encouraged so many of us to take the way we elected to make the influences of our game. The Hannah Montanan’s will still be singing Party in the USA, Taylor Swifter’s will have reinvented the World Wide Web giving better access to fame and personal discovery to poets with pens and guitarists with melodic adventures pressing to be set free.



Iphone’s and Ipod’s will be invisible fake mole implants lightly sketched into the corner of your upper lip with tiny wires running through your lower jaw bone leading straight to your inner ear—the best part of the expense will be the built in GPS. Men will never have to stop and ask for directions again!



There’s so much to look forward to! Slower than a turtle napping on a hot Sunday afternoon is still the idea of going green…you know, a seemingly simple as well as approachable plan to keep the environment clean. Polar bears and seal movies won’t be about icebergs breaking—they’ll showcase cubs and pups writing letters to lawmakers thanking them everyday for the peaceful end of the Greenhouse Holocaust.



In 2029, although the price of turning your life and style green costs more than saving the world banking industry, modern day hippies and wanna-be’s cheering loudly at an ageless Avett Brothers live performance in New York’s Central Park will push for more green power because getting to 2050 was President Gore’s biggest fantasy. Yep he finally made it during a race against George W’s great grandchild’s run for the Oval Office...now described as being nearly round because the politically correct police believed being oval disrupted the American child born with a fairly large scull—pumpkin head and Jay Leno look alike were disruptive where as nearly round made everything beautiful.



Hot on the American scene will be the reason for today’s writing: Reef burials.



During an age of untrusting lawyers and people who dig six foot deep holes, the latest dance with a pale moon light invites those who’ve lived the blessed opportunity to seriously become part of the planet again…via coral reef. From the unforgettable jagged shores off the coast of Highway 1 in California to the rippling waters feeding the Hudson River in New York, the Green thing to do once you’re gone is to allow your ashes to become part of the environment by way of becoming part of the sea.



What a perfect opportunity for entrepreneurs! Underwater golf courses for electric eels vacationing next to a reef that includes everybody from your family And because reefs offer so much incredible beauty, you might even end up being set free in a fish aquarium at a dentists office in Havre, Montana! Forget what happened to Sponge Bob and Patrick! This is totally a life after death experience!



Here’s what one ad promises their future clients:



Eternal Reefs, Inc. creates permanent living legacies that memorialize the passing of a loved one. For families and individuals that choose cremation, Eternal Reefs offers a new memorial choice that replaces cremation urns and ash scattering with a permanent environmental living legacy.

Families and friends are invited and encouraged to participate in the creation of their loved one's memorial reef. From placing your handprint in the damp concrete during the casting, making a rubbing of the bronze plaque during the viewing ceremony, or placing a flag on your loved one's memorial reef during our military honors ceremony, all Eternal Reefs' activities provide peace of mind for everyone involved.



Wait wait! Time now for the tiny print: See dealer for details.



Why is this the best way to go? No matter which way the bucket tips, after you’re gone those left behind have some seriously high costs. You can’t physically prepare for this! The United States Government refuses to write laws protecting families from funeral homes and burial sites that go out of business. If you plunked down some hard to find cash for a box and a hole, once the owner is gone, the chances of you still having that plot in your name is next to nothing.



Another cheap way of leaving your mark in a positive way—according to Jane Brody, people should donate their body to science. Stop right there! Let’s push the clock back up to 2029, what will they be doing with those who already did? With the incredible surge of energy building every year for Halloween…one of these day’s the real dead thing is going to be available for your front yard. This week at Exxon, for every gallon of gas sold we’ll give you tiny pink toes. Gross! Yuck!



Another reef burial ad says, “It seems more of a beginning than an ending…create a permanent living legacy with eternal reefs.”



Guess what? There’s even ministers who’ll head the scuba diving party to the location of your resting place.




$1,000 - Individual cremation urn burial or incorporation of cremated remains in a 300-400 pound private undersea reef.

Price includes: casting of the reef memorial (with either direct incorporation of the remains or casting of a sealed urn within the reef), undersea placement and dedication, bronze identification marker, and a Certificate of Living Coral Reef Burial.






37' Vessel
(Up to 6 Guests)
42' Vessel
(7-12 Guests)
48' Vessel
(13-22 Guests)

Private Luxury Yacht Service
Includes four-hour luxury yacht, fuel, captain, insurance, Great Burial Reef crew, flowers, and all gratuities. You may provide your own vessel.
$825
$1,125
$1,725

Food & Beverage
Gourmet hors d'oeuvres, desserts, bottled water, and fruit juices.
$195
$350


$600



Beer and Wine
Assorted domestic beers/white wines.
$75
$150
$300

Champagne Toast
We proudly serve Perrier-Jouet champagne for all toasts.
$60
$120
$240

Keepsake Photograph DVD
Professional yacht-board photography incorporated into a DVD slide show with music. Includes 5 DVDs. Addt'l $30 each.









Look…if you’re going to go green…you might as well become part of the colors that create the green…the blue waters of an endless ocean mixed lightly with the golden yellow of an unforgettable shade of sunshine.

Reality sucks sometimes...but whatcha doing after the show?


Getting back to living...steal my art.



arroecollins@clearchannel.com