My son in law Juan jumps between the left and right coast a lot—no flight passes that I don’t find myself being the typical sign of Cancer…constantly worried about the opposite end of a great salesman’s destination. In this age of pilots shooting 150 miles past the initial plan or lacking the experience to pioneer an adequately safe journey, his day could easily be marred by Fozzy-Ameba…a skit played out by the Muppet’s where Fozzy Bear plays the part of a big ole fuzzy germ joking, “I ran into a man the other day, said he hadn’t been sick in weeks…so I bit him!”
Flight sickness is real. Being in the air can cause health problems such as colds and other respiratory infections leading to what's called pulmonary embolism, which has proven to be a silent killer. But you rarely hear of people rushing to help stop the carrier—therefore, it’s become our problem…which means we’ve got to deal with the aftermath or learn better ways to stay clean without upsetting other passengers.
Catching a cold on an airline flight is by the biggest disease waiting to happen—hence the tiny lozenges we suck on called Airborne. It’s designed by teachers who traveled everywhere and couldn’t seem to figure out ways to better methods to protect their systems from downloading an aerial virus.
According to Dr. Adriane Fugh Berman, “Sitting away from someone coughing doesn’t help.”
Being locked in an airtight slender tube is all you need to make friends with a strange disturbance you didn’t feel like taking home. Making the situation worse is the humidity, its 10% less than a desert gifting your dry honker with something moist and always willing to pay the rent three weeks in advance.
Sure it would feel great to wear a surgical mask…that’s kinda like walking into a bank with one—name the number of people that’ll feel ok with this idea instantly thinking, “Oh they’re afraid of getting sick. I can’t believe I didn’t grab my mask.”
Dr. Adriane says, “Two days before reaching for the stars boost the immune system! The best defense is Echinacea, 2,000 milligrams of vitamin C and 12 ounces of water every hour changing to 16 ounces just before your flight.” Another good source of protection is a product called Juice Plus—by doubling up on the daily veggies in a pill, walking into any room or tube gives me serious amounts of Obie One Kenobie Jedi protection.
While some mastermind a plan to test their body’s protection devices, other realms of discomfort begin to smile in places we rarely like to showoff—back and neck pains. The greatest invention before the Ipod was the U-shaped neck pillow. For some, that’s still not enough…so it’s time to pull a Billy Ray Cyrus and put that body into motion.
The country music singer requests one simple thing while flying—at anytime he’s to be granted permission to leave any crowded situation to pull off a large number of pushups—keeping those shoulders and head moving in a circular motion allows the inner core of your shell to stay limber.
Shoulder circles and shrugs combined with head circles relieve tremendous amounts of stress caused by the world’s most uncomfortable seats with headrests you’d love to layback but end up going to far and the person sitting behind you isn’t too willing to share their collection of peanuts.
Dr. Adriane warns airline guests of how easy it is for the body to instantly become motionless. When your blood circulation slows it acts as an open gate for anything in the air to suddenly become members of the Twilight movie series, except these vampires aren’t interested in being looked upon as cute and innocent teenage love.
You’ve got to pick the booty up and take a walk down the extremely tiny lane of boney elbows and long legs spread out in the name of why did I do this to myself? If walkin ain’t your thing…heel rocks rock! While sitting in your chair lift your heels then rock back on them shoving well needed blood to them there toes.
Leg lifts are another germ killer—press down on your left or right thigh and lift your leg. Repeat the resistance twenty times.
Now that November is here, America is on the move. It’s not about going over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house we go…our nations airlines are currently offering some pretty cool rates which means come January momma’s gonna be running out of chicken noodle soup for the sick.
The most recent N1H1 virus scare proves the medical world can’t handle a true epidemic. Even with a National Health plan, if something larger than life were to bite our behinds, there’s not enough love on this planet that’ll glue Humpty Dumpty back together again.
The best way around sickness is to be fully aware of where you are. Prepare for everything because the moment you drop your guard, Fozzy Ameba will make you part of his Muppet act. I groan an old mans roar each time I’m washing my hands in a communal bathroom and three, four and five guys keep walking by after using the John without taking the time to wash away what could be.
In martial arts we bow when greeting each other…don’t be getting all mad at me if that’s all you ever receive from me. A fist bump is human connection. I have no clue where your knuckle has been.
Are they offering Michael Jackson’s oxygen tank on Ebay yet? Will it be enough?
arroecollins@clearchannel.com
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