Tuesday, December 1, 2009

No new taxes! Just more penalties and fines!

Today…oh whatta day…a major moment in North Carolina history…we fought the law and the law won…the men in blue have the power to slap a citation into the palm of your hand for texting while driving.



Wouldn’t you like to be the person slowly walking up to the driver’s side window?



The top five excuses for texting while driving:



5. I forgot my Christmas list so the kids are telling me.

4. This is the only way my boss will talk to me!

3. Do you know how lonely a person gets sitting in traffic?

2. I’m writing the lyrics to a new Bon Jovi song!

1. I’m running your police cars license plates to check your
criminal background.



Will Smith’s movie Seven Pounds served as my scared straight lesson to live by—an innocent night out on the town ending with a crash that took seven brothers, sisters and parents from a family he didn’t know. I’ve watched the You Tube video featuring teens laughing, singing, living life the way it’s meant to which before the car accident included the driver sending messages to readers far far away. The something went horribly wrong.



Telling someone they can’t text while driving is kinda like telling my mother she can’t smoke in a restaurant—millions if not billions are going to be offended and locate newer ways to keep the words pumped up and moving.



The Top Five new ways people will text without getting caught:



5. Between the brake and the gas pedal.

4. Cell phones will sit between your butt cheeks with only
the keyboard showing

3. The sun visor will become the new desk…you aren’t flipping
someone the bird, you’re typing.

2. Car radio volume and search buttons when twisted will soon
reveal letters…when the correct letter is located just push it
to make someone think you’re trying to find a favorite song.

1. Voice activated texting will be next years hottest toy for
Christmas.



Texting is a serious issue. At movie premieres I tell those in attendance to stand up and start screaming if the person next to them is whipping out words then hitting send. At the most recent Trans Siberian Orchestra concert the 35 year old man firmly planted in front of me text the entire first half of the concert…thinking like a child I grabbed my digital camera and started flashing pictures two inches from the corner of his eyes.



Whoever invented texting, probably Al Gore…they were brilliant to create a way for shy, conceited, not so open, completely fearless, timid, business driven groups from ages three to ninety three to finally start talking again! We text so much that having a physical conversation is so 1980’s.



The new law doesn’t mean the end of the world!



The Top Five Legal Things you can still do in your car:



5. Sneeze all over the windshield spreading a nice thick layer of
N1H1 over anything that would give you a clear view of traffic.

4. Stare at the GPS system while fingering through an ancient
road map

3. Tip your coffee cup all the way up totally blocking your sight
but damn if you didn’t get the marshmallow on the bottom.

2. Drop a Michael Buble cd on the floor and reach all the way over
to the passenger side to pick it up.

1. Brush your teeth, put eyeliner on and comb that mop top hair
style in the rearview mirror during morning rush hour while
devouring a Bojangles biscuit.



If my 8th grade teacher Mr. Fox was here he’d have the perfect response to this mess we’ve gotten ourselves into—this wouldn’t have happened if lawmakers could’ve found an easy way to tax what you text. Imagine all the money they could’ve cashed in on if just one of them had a brain.



arroecollins@clearchannel.com

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