Thursday, December 3, 2009

Tis the season to pork out!

Ahhhh the spirit of the holiday! Nearly every night of the week its dinners with bosses, neighbors, friends at fchurch and anyone else willing to drop the diet and go all out Feliz Navidad. Yummy!


The problem with so much eating really isn’t the food but rather how we shove the incredibly seasoned, heavily salted and sugured, fried not baked delicious appetizers, leafy green salads, full blown out meals and always craved deserts into our choppers. Dad constantly told his eight growing tikes, “You belong tied up and gagged at home—you eat like you’ve never seen before then wear it around on the front of your shirts and blouses like pigs headed for the slaughter house.”


Not all kids grow out of that…so what are you supposed to do when you're stuck dining with a mess?


Morally speaking…it’s time to bring in the expert Anne Marie Sabbath who quickly reminds the invited guest to do their best when trying to express, “Yo oink oink…the only thing missing from the slop is the scent of a milk spoiled stale farm on a one hundred degree day.”


If the food keeps missing the pie hole don’t stand up and demand better people to eat with…Anne says, “Take the high road and blot your lips with a napkin.”


It’s 100% human nature to mimic the people you dine with. As much fun as you’d have embarrassing the mess all dressed up…keep peace in the peas while inviting them to clean more than their plate by doing nothing more than tapping and not rapping on the gentleness of your lips.


Stop! Stop! Stop! This year is different; celebrating the holiday in a fancy rich person restaurant is totally out of the question. Ordering ala cart is boring compared to the endless amount of good stuff found on a hot rockin flame throwing buffet. I frequent these bad monsters so much that an invisible badge hangs above my heart, “I am a professional at this game!”


Buffets expose everything! Working one of these babies requires a solid game plan and it starts with understanding the Grand Daddy of all rules—if you came to this fine place for one plate…leave now. Porking down the freshly delivered tators, fried rice and sushi followed by constantly reappearing steaks and shrimp is an honor not a test market.


Keep your hands off the oversized dishes and bowls and limit the water and soda intake. Managers and waiters are on a mission to jam your bucket in the name of quickly getting full...nothing fills you up faster than an oversized plate of blessed with everything. That’s why you should quickly locate the little plates. Create Food Network masterpieces on the tiny guys…presentation is everything at a buffet.


If you’re heaping you’re heaving.


Get out of your head and put the food in the tummers by creatively walking through the enormous amount of way the heck out there food…and whatever you do, always invite someone to go with you. The average couple spends fifteen minutes eating. Whoa, that was fun…what’s up next? Unless you have a good grip on relaxing at dinner without diving into the chocolate pudding…take someone with you to share conversation with. Get lost in thought not the food to which you no longer have room for.


People come first not the food…this isn’t the last supper.


One more thing…who’s the idiot on the left that keeps using your bread plate? I love to share until the moment arrives…their nasty butter knife is on my side of the white picket fence. Do you have the dinner rights to fight? Anne Marie Sabbath says, “Yes! But do it playfully…such as Wow I love rye with my wheat.”


No! Now the person on the right has swiped the plate on the other side! This assumption game is causing me to drink! Two things can happen at this point…calmly ask for another plate to be placed next to your salad or pull off a classic Arroe…stay 100% away from bread. There’s much better food on the way. "Sorry Mr. Chef I couldn’t find the time to enjoy your infamous worldly known dish…I was in an all out Rick Flair brawl with the dogs trying to score squatting rights to the butter dish!”


How often do you want to scream, “I can’t take you anywhere?”


This holiday season eat like a Super Bowl Champion...put faith in having a mission then get her done without feeling like a water buffalo or a guilt ridden freak before bedtime...and always hand your tips to the person that waited on you. If you truly mean what the tip represents its truly welcomed with a warm smile and a solid thank you. It inspires the employee to work just as hard on the next table.


Steal my art….


arroecollins@clearchannel.com

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