Wednesday, December 23, 2009

What's that Lassie? You have Swine Flu?

Wow! Just in time for Christmas…a New York dog has picked up Swine Flu from his pet human.



I feel guilty enough when they don’t get treats every five minutes. Dogs have a way of making it look like it’s your fault for not convincing the squirrel to come a little bit closer to sniff its tail. And if you’ve got guests over, it’s a legal license for the fuzzy creatures to sit directly across from you spouting off an attitude far worse than Oprah shouting, “Talk to the hand!”



I love dogs! Just wish they had a cat way of looking at life, “I knew what the human was when I picked them out…I’m not wasting my time.”



Birds tend to scream and I mean lay it on you louder than KISS and Ted Nugent at a battle of the bands concert. Miss Addy (short for attitude) tells me when its time for bed. Her screeching reaches a level of performance that picks me up from the sofa and tosses me under thirty five thick blankets of cover. The doves coo all night…when they suddenly stop, I instantly wake up thinking something’s wrong while Ernie the green bird destroys the idea of having a peaceful day unless he’s creatively become part of it.



This is Gods way of getting back at the way the eight of us wreaked havoc on my mother’s parade. Many times I see my sister in one of the dogs, a total trouble maker destine to make so much noise it drives her brothers to the brink of insanity.



I believe pets are given the lives we once lived…except this time around we locate a more gentle way of delivering toys to the evil bigger brothers. When I look at MJ…I see my artist self. He wants nothing to do with anyone except for his current thought that’ll make its way onto a canvas or into a book for later reading by someone he’ll never meet.



And like a truly weird freak of nature not a night goes by that I don’t wake up six or seven times to touch each of their bodies to see if they’re warm and comfy. 99% of the time each dog has their own section of the blankets and rule the school when it comes to laying claim to pillow ownership. If the tooth fairy were to visit they’d find Harold under that feather collector.



And what do humans have to show for this incredible amount of unstoppable unconditional love? We’re giving the makers of the almighty bark Swine Flu. Holy cow! Do you know how many times I’ve been to Urgent Care begging the doctors to check me out for the sickness? They take cover the very second my car pulls into the driveway. Now I have to worry about my dogs?



The problem with this situation is simple: doctors have no problem looking you straight into the crazy vein and saying, “You’ve got to stop.” A veterinarian loves to waste your money. They have no problem running to the bank to score you another loan. They’re in the business to put you out of business and there’s nothing you can do about it…its inhumane not to think your dog isn’t going to get Swine Flu.



The Super Bowl has come to the world of veterinarians—it’s their time to make a lot of money and not a one of them will stop you at the door because if your dog doesn’t have Swine Flu you still need a blood check up, teeth cleaning, anal glands squeezed, heart monitored, flea dip and the vets mother needs new tennis shoes to jog in after Christmas.



Dog Swine Flu is nothing more than the pet version of Cash for Clunkers. You’re about to fork out or slide across their magic machine every cent you thought you saved all in the name of loving those babies. Its time for me to get a sixth part time job.



You’d think the government would crack down on the veterinarians calling their practices witchcraft and a prime location for bate and switch, “I know you came in because you’re little puppy isn’t sleeping…we’ll need to keep him overnight to count his blood cells and see if they match his brain cells combined with the multiplication of booty calls he’s going to get if left outside at night."

The government can’t do anything because they too are pet owners and the man behind the curtain has the power to make sure the pet doesn’t get what’s properly required...so lawmakers buckle at the knees and never take on what really counts.



Our weakest muscle isn’t a dollar but rather the eyes of a puppy or kitten. I’d sell my soul to the devil if it meant my fuzzy monkey could be saved. Wait! I can’t write that! If there was a veterinarian here right now they’d have the proper equipment to erase my comment from your brain while checking your snot maker for diseases connected to pooper scouper-itis-oh-toe-sis...then charge you $500.22.



Don’t get me wrong…I love a great veterinarian. I just haven’t met the one who truly cares for pets more than their pocket. I’ve been behind the scenes and know what they’re charging which is usually connected to the unheard of technology required to make sure your dogs and cats live two years longer than nature intended. They have no problem sliding that piece of paper over to you while holding out their hand…but if you ask for something it’s as if you’ve just insulted the Queen of England and within ten minutes your head will be chopped off and delivered to the dogs waiting impatiently in the car. So it becomes proper to bite your lip so hard your nose caves in.



Know what you’re doing and do your research on dog Swine Flu. You don’t have to keep using the same doctor whose rent is past due and the kids are complaining about not getting a fifth house in Florida. The average person is in big trouble from this day forward and we are helpless in knowing how to properly diagnose doggy Swine Flu. Sell the car now. Build up the bank account and get ready to dump it into the lap of people whose only job in life is to love pets not rip off their human parents.



The children you had through natural birth have every right to be jealous…the only thing they hear is, “Get up, wipe off your jeans and get back in school.” While the dogs get to loaf around the house smoking giant cigars and eating leftover chicken from last nights dinner party.



If you’re a veterinarian or work with or near one and today’s writing has upset you…then help me get the word out about Swine Flu without charging the average person $125 an hour to say nothing more than, “They don’t have it.” Give me the signs, signals and everything else connected and start loving pets more than the creator him or herself.



arroecollins@clearchannel.com

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