Friday, January 15, 2010

Win! Win! Win! At all costs!

The New Year arrives and with it comes billions of reasons why rebuilding a stronger better you. You feel better than good! Your arms might be tired and your legs ready to fall off but not this year…you’ve got a new attitude to win, win, win!



Then it happens—ten steps into any drug store USA and your eyes instantly lock down on the beautifully designed one piece at a time Easter Candy lined up perfectly all in a row. Next to it…St Patrick’s Day gimmicks, hats and tooters but no green beer. You think you’ve got it beat until the phone rings, “It’s Girl Scout Cookie time again!”



“Holy munchies Batman! The only missing is a bag of Doritos and a couple of packages of Pop Rocks chased by an icy cold Coke!”



If Denzel Washington’s new movie The Book of Eli becomes a reality—the first thing I’m grabbing is Easter candy and Twinkies. When it comes to survival it has to be incredible! Unlike a banana or loaf of bread, Peeps sit on shelves for a solid 120 days without ever losing their flavor.



Mom always told us to make friends with the cockroaches—they’ll be the only animal around at the time of boom, boom pow. I’ve yet to reach my hand out and shake its fuzzy nasty paw. It’s not that they move too quickly, I just have problems holding down a solid conversation with a creature so brilliant in endurance but still hasn’t figured out how to stand up on two feet.



He probably thinks the same of me, “Too damn tall to fit under refrigerators and kitchen cabinets. I refuse to work with sticks that constantly bump their heads on things I easily crawl under, around and between. But I do love the human appetite and keen sense of smell to hunt out some pretty cool junk to toss into my trunk.”



I’d call my new found best friend the cockroach Kevin Bacon—I’d never be lonely thinking about the enormous amount of people the actor has starred with. The only rule Kevin would have to follow; don’t ever attempt to talk to me when I’m holding a writing instrument. Mork used his fingers to Na Nu Na Nu his messages. On 3rd Rock from the Sun actor French Stewart would close his eyes and talk to the Big Head. Just don’t bother the poet with his pen...



Can you imagine having such a bug as a new found best bud? The times we’d share sitting in a room wondering and worrying about the elements belonging to the newly developed world outside the four walls I assumed was protecting us. I’d instantly dub Kevin Bacon Secretary of State and give him full control of walking out of the room and pacing the once alive streets like Wally and Eva.



“Bring back to me a fully powered Ipod with over 100,000 selections pumped into it! Make sure it includes I Gotta Feeling from The Black Eyed Peas and Vision of Love from Mariah Carey! And it has to include a computerized flame that I stare at for hours thinking I’m keeping warm. Oh wait…that comes with an I-phone. Come on Kevin Bacon don’t let me down!”



I wouldn’t make a great survivalist in a world requiring survival—once 30 Rock and Cougar Town disappear from the flat screen, the only thing left will be HBO with its 500th showing of Larry David’s Curb Your Enthusiasm and that’s just not enough to pump into the veins of oh my God this could be it.



I do admit though…having such a bad attitude will instantly change if I notice the blinking light in the window at Krispy Kreme. Nothing says perfect diet better than sending these teeth into a fresh blanket of crystallized sugar. In fact, I’ll tell you right now…I’d trade my friend Kevin Bacon in for two bites of a Krispy Kreme. Sorry, like most friendships…it’s gotta go sometime so why not sell out when the price is right?



It’ll be me alone again in a tiny world that went Wham Bam Shang-a-lang. Because I’m such a sucker for co-dependency, that’s all I'd need to set out on a journey looking for a better way to live. It’s time to find James Cameron, the Wizard of Avatar. Holy cow I would look incredibly small compared to those giant blue men, women and funky lit up tree of hope but man, can you imagine this thinker attached to my shoulders holding conversation with a mass of people so brilliant in spirituality?



Stop! I have to catch my breath! Um…comparably speaking—me and the Avatar…it’s no different than my sold out relationship with Kevin Bacon! No! I won’t be able to handle it! I’ll be stuck with never ending flashbacks of how I’d tie a tiny rope to Kevin’s back and send him out into the world hoping to find the remote control. What about those late nights when I begged Kevin to seek a single sack of Cheetos?



How could I have done this to Kevin Bacon? Why did I let my Mother convince me to befriend a cockroach? My Titanic has sunk! James Cameron this is your fault! The best I can do is shove this computer keyboard away from me and get my bum back to work. I’m so heart broken! My dreams of being when all other things have stopped can’t go on. I would miss my friend Kevin Bacon so much!



Wait! I still have bags of Easter candy, Twinkies and Girl Scout Cookies—I’ll trade one, two…all three for Kevin and me!



Life is good. No its Great! Welcome to a brand new weekend!



arroecollins@clearchannel.com

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