Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Being aware makes you a daily champion.

Thirty one years of radio and I still can’t purchase toilet paper. My kidneys refuse to let me use a public bathroom and forget about me breaking away from the station to have lunch…I can’t stand the idea of eating in front of people. I’m that shy!



Going the route of radio didn’t shock me…it’s acting, being an on-air talent gives me permission to become a separate personality. The writer in me has nothing to do with the radio guy who can’t stand to hang out with the person who paints 48x54 canvases and please don’t let them hangout with the dude who’s suddenly rediscovered his passion to write and produce music.



While walking into a grocery store everyone stuck inside me elects to stay in the car and I’m forced to brave the world on my own. I shoot into actor mode when the cashier looks at the quick fix medicine purchased and says, “I hope you start feeling better.”



“Do you say that to the people buying beer or an oddly shaped bottle of red wine?”



If you think my humor sucks on the radio try catching it live at a grocery store or restaurant. The cashier’s reaction was no reaction…which forced me to spit out another one liner, “Hey you’ve got two chocolate bars there...thank goodness they haven’t passed a law that says you can’t sugar rush and drive.”



According to a published report the fear of buying toilet paper runs right up there with a fear of running out of toilet paper. We all know what happens next; the General Manager at work sends out a boldly printed email wondering whose swiping the wipe.



People fear buying toilet paper because it’s a free advertisement that says, “Hey look everyone! I’m about to do something!”



Is it connected to my fear of using public restrooms? Paruresis, or shy bladder syndrome, affects a surprisingly large number of people. It is thought to be second only to fear of public speaking in the hierarchy of social phobias. Its sufferers are mostly male but viewers of the Ally McBeal show will recognize that it affects females as well. It can compromise a person's social life, make travel difficult if not impossible, even limit job or professional options.



More phobias would come out if people had the confidence to talk about it. Oprah might actually decide not to retire—she’ll have endless amounts of crazy phobias to uncover, such as the fear of what the world is going to be like without Oprah. Been here before, I remember how my mother and her cast of look-a-likes freaked out when Phil Donahue stepped to the side. The entire nation about caved in when rumors in the early 1980’s started flying around that Luke and Laura were preparing to leave General Hospital and how dare Jay Leno leave The Tonight Show…oh wait…he’s back.



While at the grocery store I cringe when the cashier grabs the box from the cart and reads the ingredients. Holy God she works for my doctor and she’s going to report back to him that I’m still taking in too much salt! I want to hide every time someone asks me how my weekend was. I’m instantly forced back to my childhood where Aunt Louise loudly shouted, “Nobody cares! Ego check little man! Figure out a new way to get people to talk to you!”



It taught me how to become a better listener which I failed at while reporting for television. The producer back at the studio wasted no time to bluntly say, “You freak! The person you’re interviewing completely set you up for the best question and you elected to stick to your show prep! Listen to those you are interviewing…let them hang themselves.”



Is this the reason why I fear buying toilet paper? Does it all boil down to a fear of being judged?



Social anxiety is the fear of social situations and the interaction with other people that can automatically bring on feelings of self-consciousness, judgment, evaluation, and scrutiny. Put another way, social anxiety is the fear and anxiety of being judged and evaluated negatively by other people, leading to feelings of inadequacy, embarrassment, humiliation, and depression. If a person usually becomes anxious in social situations, but seems fine when they are alone, then "social phobia" may be the problem.



As a writer I don’t fear. Maybe it’s because I report more than originate. I write to create reaction. I used to play radio that way…called it Info-tainment…research shows it doesn’t go with your flow…so I stopped. Getting the opportunity to write everyday makes me more of a broadcaster than junking up your trunk with another four in a row without talk. It is the perfectly ripe age of communication and yet too many creative minds act as if they’re horrified to purchase toilet paper or can’t stand the idea of munching in front of someone they don’t know.



Feeling nervous about eating around people is more common with men more than women, and children. Social notions tell us that it is not nice to be seen eating in public, mostly for fear that people will think we are eating too much, and will look "fat" or "undesirable." With all the mixed messages we get about beauty, propriety and health, it can lead many to worry about letting a mouthful pass the lips in public.



What makes life perfect is having the courage to say, “I’m not perfect.” The moment I start to think I am, fate slips into a martial arts uniform and invites me to the center of the fighting ring.



As a 2nd degree black belt I’m not afraid of war…what I fear is you hitting the cold lonely hard ground wrong…so I end up letting you kick my tail knowing everytime I rub my cheeks into that stinky mat I hit the floor the way I’ve been trained over and over again. Is that ego talking or someone who doesn’t want you to feel a bad decision become a painful conclusion?



Hey while I’m down here and you’re up there…can you score me some toilet paper?



arroecollins@clearchannel.com

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