Friday, April 30, 2010

Flying without a net...

After several hours of searching and the invention of a few new words, Windows Word can't be located on this radio station studio computer. Gulp!

I openly admit...without spell check...I am flying without a net. We've become that lazy? Spin back the hands of time and you'll see Mrs. Stephenson yanking my third grade arm out of its socket and sending this writers dreams and passion to express straight to an object called a dictionary.

Whoa...I haven't physically held one of those things since walking through a Barnes and Nobel a few years back and thinking, "The only thing missing from this giant thick object are phone numbers and email addresses. If each word came with a social networking connection, more people might spend time dancing with the idea that great spelling looks so much better than the attempt to sell a thought."

If I used LOL or BRB on my mother, she'd ground me for a week for trying to come up with secret new ways to use bad language at the dinner table. I can't imagine what it's like to drive down a busy street with her...nearly every business in America has come up with a different way to spell their name. A good example is Kar Kare or Kustom Wheels.

I totally get what they're trying to do. Whatever it takes to get someone to remember your name. I once put myself in the Yellow Pages spelling it AAArroe Collins. It didn't score me any business. Truth is...it made me look like I couldn't spell and who wants to do business with someone who didn't pay attention in class?

If you spend time with me daily...the creation of words is my poetic attempt at searching for newer avenues of expression...I hide behind something I've personally dubbed Shakespeare-itis. Why is he the only one who can develope bigger, thinner more meaningful conversation pieces and starters? Is it a strength or a weird way to get you to tune out before finishing the store?

Street slang looks at my words exclaiming, "No way man! We don't have your back on this one!"

Putting together my first book was a nightmare for the editor. They wanted to erase and rebuild and my ego said, "No! I want to be known for my way of speaking not a sixth grade teachers attempt at shaping a growing mind." Huck Finn is my inspiration on that war of words...Mark Twain's southernism are a masterpiece geared toward taking your heart, body and soul straight to the river banks of the Mississippi.

The only reason why I know how to spell that word is due 100% to my brother who constantly told me, "It's M I crooked letter crooked letter, I, crooked letter crooked letter, I hump back hump back I."

Wed-nes-day. Mr. Barone boldly said, "Fridays are your friend...so the word friend should always include a Friday. Fri-end."

A good friend of mine was badly named as a kid...his wicked parents called him Clarence. He's constantly complaining about how people drive the blades of a bad knife into his soul everytime he has to fill out paperwork because nobody knows how to spell his name. Clarence? How do you spell that? Does that have anything to do with a clearance Clarence?

Spelling isn't going to get any better. Why should we learn how to spell when computers trying to give us the words before we finishing typing it onto the screen...did you mean? Or the one I can't stand they're their and there. I before E except before the Kibbles and Bits are given to the puppies.

When is congress going to release their old fashioned ways and allow the way we really talk enter the chapters of true American English? Punctuation is a nightmare on paper, computer screens and speaking. Commercial copy that's been written by someone else is somewhat of a chore because how you speak and how my mouth works are like two brothers who promised their mother not to fight but end up turning the living room into a professional wrestling match before dinner.

Bad spelling...where does it begin? Why did I ask that? I'm now face to face with a finger pointed directly at school systems that became satisfied that their little second graders sounded out the words then spelled it the way it sounded. Nice job Jawn-knee!

No spell check on my computer this morning. I'm nervous, moody and completely bonkers like an addict searching for a new high. Look man, I'm willing to sell my 1977 AMX for a hit off your spell check. If I hit Harrah's in the mountains...rather than score chips and points can they give me words spelled correctly?

I'm sure there's a dictionary somewhere in the radio station. Go look for it? Please...all I have to do is present it in a way that best represents what might be and your imagination will do the rest. Is that an ego talking or what? WWSD what would Shakespeare do?

arroecollins@clearchannel.com

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