Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Are you a boring no alcohol way too early personality?

I’m freakishly guilty of surrounding myself with an over abundance of rules and regulations—some more important than others while a few carry a weird sense of insanity…one being: Two hours early is three hours late.



No wonder I’ve never made it big in Los Angeles radio where it’s completely acceptable to be fashionably late. I blame it on Montana cows, cranky sheep, nosey don’t care where you slept last night I’ll find you chickens and constantly bumping rabbits with large metal empty pans that serve as plates with no silverware. Animals never accept the human's decison to be late.



As much as I couldn’t stand waking up to do my childhood chores, it fine tuned my awareness of all living things. The problem is one out of a billion live this way.



Attending neighborhood backyard parties wreak havoc on my love to be with people who cherish the opportunity to cut loose. I can’t digest the idea they kicked off the celebration way before I got home and to arrive late turns my stomach into the next hot rollercoaster attraction at the great amusement park in the sky.



Openly I admit…I’m the sick puppy. But what is the proper way to handle odd balls whose makeup is designed by the fear of being late? Morals and ethics advisor Anne Marie Sabath wants you to invite the early bird inside while gently explaining the gathering isn’t set to begin until blank blank time. The goal isn’t to make the guest feel uncomfortable but rather to plant the seed that’ll inspire them to leave then come back at the proper time.



If the person is a total nut job like myself—slip into what I call the intern-mode. Put their earliness to work. Last minute party preparations need hands.



Speaking of delegating…it’s almost summertime, neighbors and family members can’t wait to invade your space; that means the alcohol is about to flow. I don’t do beer, wine or mixed drinks. I do water. Do my guests have to abide by the same set of rules? No way!



Delegate the cork popping wine pouring to the professionals…my body language alone will tell you the beer is in the fridge get it yourself or quickly train one of my four dogs to pull of a major fetching that’ll land us on the Animal Planet’s Pet Tricks. If that doesn’t work, Anne Marie invites the host to pick someone who’ll handle the job of delivering the bottled buzz.



Sounds like I’m a bore doesn’t it? I’ve served as entertainment director for over one thousand wedding receptions, birthday parties and bar mitzvahs…this mind, body and soul knows how to booty shake the junk out of your trunk and keep you coming back for more. A bore I am not…



But we’ve all had someone at a party that can’t shake Winnie The Poo’s Ero off the map. There’s a reason why the purple donkey is no longer part of the word party…they kicked his tail out of the book because of being a totally un-cool buzz kill. What gives at your celebration?



Anne Marie invites you to shake their hand and make them feel overboard welcome. You being extremely open with your niceness have the right amount of energy to kick start their heart. If that doesn’t work, being positive serves as an invitation to pick up their act and move it on down the road. It’s an acceptable exit strategy. “Hi Mike…wow what a great party…upbeat, fun and always filled with the kind of stuff that people love to talk about!”



Then walk away…the message has been signed, sealed and delivered. Now break out the Stevie Wonder, Jimmy Buffett and Black Eyed Peas!



My stepfather Joe was notorious for breaking the mode of moving forward. If things weren’t put into play the way he likes to sing then everything suddenly became out of tune. What kept me from becoming my father was the day my daughter Jenny asked if all the clouds in my world were pink and purple…talk about a cool way to say, “It’s nice that you’re here in Hollywood with us but dude you aren’t going to win an Oscar for Best Actor of the Year.”



There’s nothing more humbling than your kids spending the day searching for the sales receipt required to take you back to where they found you.



The moral of today’s story…be you but don’t over or under do it. Early is cool but expect to work, if you don’t drink nobody will hold it against you unless you’re a card carrying member of the boring as hell lifeless department of bump on a logs…sometimes it’s not your fault but stank is stank and it needs to be yanked from your Hello My Name is card.



Party on Garth!



arroecollins@clearchannel.com

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