Southern Accents Make Not Break Success

During the average human, dog or birds of a feather lifetime, weathermen and women of all shapes and sizes summertime memorize... They keep using the same lines! Rarely do we escape June, July and August, a blazing hot, too sticky to touch, sweat dripping from the edge of every nose day melt like butter moment without a green screen and power pointer exclaiming, "It's so hot outside you can fry and egg on the sidewalk!" I'm no scientist but I do have Google, Yahoo and Bing... The required temperature to fry an egg is 158 degrees. Concrete, as boil bursting as it seems only reaches 145 degrees. You can cheat by putting dark objects or something silvery to sun collect. But reality is bigger than a dogs bite. There'll be no scrambled eggs for lunch, brunch or 3pm snack. Therefore I stand before the world begging the makers of overused catchy phrases to officially change the weatherman's primetime vocal crutch to, "It's so hot outside inch worm jerky is fresh, hot and ready to serve!" As much as you want to say BBQ is the flavor of the American South; one has to remember that it's not the tomato based sauce or the tanginess of vinegar that turns us into pulled or on the bone meat monsters...I believe true taste originality has to be soaked in a southern accent. Spending the weekend sitting around a campfire tossing out conversation blessed with Southernisms is but the sweet found in candy and ain't nobody gonna charge you 50 cents for that! As easy as sliding off a greasy log backward. (very easy) Be like the old lady who fell out of the wagon. (you aren't involved, so stay out of it) Busy as a stump-tailed cow in fly time. (very busy) Don't let the tail wag the dog. (the chief is in charge, not the Indians) Either fish or cut bait. (work or make way for those who will) Even a blind hog finds an acorn now and then. (everyone is sometimes lucky) Give down the country. (give someone a piece of your mind) Go whole hog. (go for it all) Gone back on your raisin. (deny heritage) Happy as a dead pig in the sunshine. (doesn't grasp or worry what's going on) In high cotton. (rising up in society) Scarce as hen's teeth. (no such thing) Although I'm climbing swiftly toward my 28th of fifty breathing years held up in the sharp highway curves and smooth rolling hills that snuggle up to a Carolina mountain side; no heart goes unblessed by the way a Southerner dresses their speaking voice. AIM TO- plan to do BITTY BIT- a small amount FALLING OUT- disagreement FIXING TO- about to HEY- hello LAID UP- ill, hurt, unable to work MESS-one who carries on, "He's a mess." PIDDLE- waste time, doing nothing RECKON- think or supose so. YA'LL or Y'ALL (can be spelled both ways)- you all, two or more people And yet... I find just as much enjoyment watching steadfast overly determined men and women of weather reporting to be just as colorful. SKY • Red sky at night, sailors delight. Red sky in the morning, sailors take warning. SUN • Haloes around the sun or moon indicate a rain or snow real soon. • A reddish sun has water in his eye; before long you won't be dry. • When the sun sets bright and clear, an easterly wind you need not fear. • Evening red and morning gray, a good sign for a fair day. • If the sun in red should set, the next day surely will be wet; if the sun should set in gray, the next will be a fair day. MOON • Pale moon rains, red moon blows; white moon neither rains nor blows. • The moon her face be red, of water she speaks. • When the moon raises red and appears large, with clouds, expect rain in twelve hours. • When the moon is darkest near the horizon, expect rain. • Clear moon, frost soon. CLOUDS • High clouds indicate fine weather will prevail; lower clouds mean rain. • When clouds look like rocks and towers, the Earth will be refreshed by showers. • Clouds on the setting sun's brow indicate rain. • If cumulus clouds are smaller at sunset than at noon, expect fair weather. • When cumulus clouds become heaped in leeward during a strong wind at sunset, thunder may be expected during the night. • Cumulus clouds in a clear blue sky, it will likely rain. • Mares' tails and mackerel scales make tall ships take in their sails. PRECIPITATION • A sunny shower won't last an hour. WIND • A wind from the south has rain in its mouth. • If cirrus clouds form in weather with a falling barometer, it is almost sure to rain. BIRDS • If the goose honks high, fair weather; if the goose honks low, foul weather. • Birds flying low, expect rain and a blow. • If the lark flies high, expect fair weather. • If the rooster crows on going to bed, you may rise with a watery head. • If the raven crows, expect rain. • When geese cackle, it will rain. And now you know why I write every day without putting worry in what's been left on a page. This is my accent. No editing or spell check required. There's too much nitpicking and not enough writing. Every CBS, Cumulus, Greater Media and Clear Channel Radio station sound the same. Growing up in Montana we picked up on Canadian bands with an Irish tone. Anywhere else The Rovers, Chiliwack and April Wine mean nothing. Which means there'll never be true Southern Rock driven by hard time sun stained Blues again. Kind of like Coke and Pepsi. They're the most famous kids born and raised in the South going all out Hollywood and Mars Rover. The mere mention of Cheerwine and Sundrop causes nothing more than tune out. The moral of this story: Get back to the basics. Momma didn't raise a follower. The next time someone tells you success starts when you drop the southern accent... go ahead and ask John Boy and Billy about how it's workin out for them. Samuel Clemons Sunday dressed in a mid-western suit and tie would steal from the sets the sun designs just after dinner time. Be you and don't let anybody try to edit what makes you the greatest person you'll ever meet. arroe@arroe.net