Hello my name is Arroe and I suffer from a disease called nosehairclipperitis…I fear the inevitable, becoming my grandfather who had seriously long nose hair. No need for a mustache, this stuff lurched out at you like snakes on Medusa’s head. They were so long every grandchild connected beat up old tires to those gray stringy thick monsters and swung freely into nearby lakes and streams. In fact rumor has it my grandfather’s nose hair is what makes up those bright orange chords that add tremendous support to San Francisco’s Golden Gate Bridge.
I’m extremely sad to report…I can’t allow that to be my legacy. So it’s become my lifelong mission to keep the nozzle connected to my lungs and brain clean free of hairy things. Sounds pretty easy right? Unlike shaving the shades from your chin and face, whipping the fur from within my nose sends my heart, body and soul to the sinus infection zone.
Oh yes! Those ugly little things that take great pride in escaping the curves your momma gave you at birth love to tickle your snot canal while serving a very important purpose: Your nose hair is one of the body's first lines of defense against harmful environmental pathogens such as germs, fungus and spores.
When we inhale unfiltered air through the Mickey, all that is the environment crams into your head like ten billion pre-teens pushing to get in the front row at a Jonas Brothers concert.
The oversized shapes that look like human trees planted on a bare mountain top trap the larger particles in a sticky layer of boogie fever. This is why hygienists look you straight in the eye and say, “Don’t try this at home!” Stop eliminating nose hair while grooming.
But doctor! My nose hairs feel like something’s always buzzing! Every time I breathe in its like bzzzzzzzzzzz, so I quickly put my right hand to work with the infamous whick-it-tee-whack whack of the honker so it’ll stop itching. Those long seemingly out of place things act like radio antennas that scrape the sky sending out signals that resemble Chinatown selling fresh chicken. "I don't what we've got hanging here but it looks fresh!"
Another purpose for nose hair is to provide humidity to the inhaled air. As we bring in that huge delicious heaping spoon full of oxygen, it instantly passes through the nasal passage into a world of nice warm heat and moisture. As much as we hate the humidity during a hot July day in the Carolina’s, the junk in the trunk is an important factor for the respiratory system such as the larynx and lungs.
If you're like me and your choice is to battle the medical odds by removing almost all of those ticklish little pains in the nostril, every summer, winter, fall and spring, you constantly find yourself being very susceptible to allergy attacks, sinusitis and in a major league kind of way you land right back in bed with a respiratory infection.
Making matters worse, twenty four days shy of my forty seventh birthday the doc in the box warns that older people need to minimize nose hair trimming because it often takes longer for the clipped hairs to grow back.
So Mr. Freak on a leash…now that we’ve been basically told to invest our minimum wage paychecks in nose hair farming, a proper crop should grow how long and tall? Those whose parents forked out big bucks for a medical education stand firm on keeping them there nose hairs trimmed right to the brim. Which pretty much means…start collecting resumes for professional booger buddies.
It took only hours for something to set in after my last escape of going the clean shaved way. Allergy attacks became a sinus infection which uses your bronchial tubes landing your magazine reading bottom at the clinic begging to be fixed, where you’re quickly told to take pills for ten days but in the end the cold never really goes away. I once made it all the way to pneumonia. You’d think my doctor would love me. I keep him from being bored stupid. Nope…he belittles me with his common sense and constantly warns of the day when it truly becomes excruciatingly serious.
Just two weeks ago he officially welcomed me to being old. Obviously he took note of the length of my nose hair, “Holy cow, I realize you’re on the radio but dude you can take a listeners ears out three songs deep into your show!”
Oh…speaking of your ears…you get hair there too. And just like the two holes that come with a wild jungle and ugly monkeys, leave the hair on those flapping things alone! The people in white coats find purpose in that hairy behavior too, in 1984 two doctors in Mineola, New York, announced that hair in the ear canal plus a crease in the ear lobe were signs that you were susceptible to heart attack. Not even fifty two weeks later that theory was proven wrong. Truth is, most of those in charge of the continuation of the human body have no clue why men get hairy thingy’s located on the outskirts of their aging facial cheeks. Maybe that’s where all the bees have gone…with all that wax in there the queen has moved her family indoors.
So what did we learn today? Keep your fingers and sharp items out of your nose. That master blaster is not only credited for giving Barbara Streisand her unforgettable voice but it’s keeping your feet on the street and not under thin white blankets at the nearest hospital. Keep it trimmed but not empty or you’ll be like me…coughing, sneezing, gagging, blowing and feeling icky. Your coworkers will approach you with email addresses that connect you to the seven signs of swine flu, go ahead, take a look…be proud that you don’t have it. From one knuckle head to another, having a clean nose allowed something foreign to grow…I’m paying the price for something that took all but twenty two point six seconds to make pretty.
I write this with a capitol “L” on my forehead.
Don’t steal this part of my art.
arroecollins@clearchannel.com
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