What do you mean the United States Government could be pulling their giant golden gates closed like spoiled NFL owners and players? How much more do we have to put up with these spoiled rich kids with vicious threats of taking their baseball, mitt and nearly full pack of loud smacking bubble gum going home?
Drop your plans! It’s gonna be one of those weekends that requires every bit of your already bitten off inner lip to find personal don’t bother me til its Monday peace and serenity.
Stop! There’s a red headed woodpecker outside my writing window. Who does he report to? Are there green and purple headed peckers demanding he get his tree insect numbers up? Have they sandwiched with home spray companies to bring injury to trees so termites move in forcing us to fork out a whole lot more before the homestead is leveled to a California desert?
I swear I’m not complaining! Two months shy of my final chapter inside the fourth decade and I'd say the journey has gone full circle; I’m the long haired ugly as sin little boy at the grocery store picking up every bag, box and bottle at my level of play and simply asking the mother figure, “Why?”
Banks, on duty general managers at large warehouse hardware stores and the customer service rep at the larger than life Wally don’t give us answers they patiently listen then softly remind us that they too are just like you.
So I’ve come up with a new game plan…I’m gonna finally eat a booger.
Yep! A true taste of the new South recipe that involves every gnat, mosquito and fly that wants to get inside and popping in a greeny is nothing more than flavor.
Stop! I can’t have salt. The cholesterol numbers will shoot through the ceiling. Come on! The body grows those things like kudzu, they obviously have tiny wings because boogers fly like cannon balls racing from Fort Sumter to a not so vacation like Captain on a Northern wooden war vessel.
A booger has to have value! It’s natural like copper, diamonds, rainbow trout and sons and fathers that can’t wait to catch them. Look what we do with shell fish! People gulp that stuff down like hot cocoa on a 42 below zero winter’s day. I’m saying its time to market the booger. The greatest thing…we’ll never have to rely on foreign imports.
I’ve been to the medical pages that proudly display the reasons why we grow them—the nose requires moisture to keep the ugly sick bugs out but once the atmosphere becomes dry all that’s inside becomes a booger.
Wait! Lord have mercy we are weapons of mass destruction! All those sick bugs caught in the nucleus of a booger…I’ve began the process of praying for peace. All those seats we sit on and tables with bumps on the opposite side; we’ve been invaded by booger mines!
I can’t call the government to warn them! Wait! I can't...Circuit City put it into play…the new American Fad is to walk away. But I’m not complaining, being weird or freak like in the way special sections of hospitals are built for such thinking, doing and picking. I had to put that in there because it quickly reminded you that we’re talking about boogers.
Ok! I’ll stop! Someone called my boss.
Swiftly the poet runs from his favorite writing place to hide each thought, expression and complete under control question; to present him self perfectly for the possible visitation of a mapmakers and chance takers knowing it requires straight answers and not visionary destinations.
What? Whoa…even that one flew over my head.
If I would’ve eaten the booger none of this would’ve happened! What if I changed the name, you know like Rocky Mountain Oysters! Who needs Corporate America when every one of us is a factory?
My wife is going to ignore me. I swear I’m not like this at home. I just wanted to show you how easy it is to erase real life. Sit at a desk, picnic table or on a hard as hell concrete step and write something completely 100% stupid. Once there, you'll no longer have to fear or worry about your government.
I will always believe in you first…
arroecollins@clearchannel.com
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