Ten steps deep into the typical workday and nearly every cubical bumped into is occupied by human stick figures that have publically described it as being a stupid Monday…
Then stupid I shall be. Five stupid questions that lead to five stupid answers:
1. How many calories does a booger have in it?
Research shows that feasting on a hairless nose monster can be quite healthy. The amount of energy required to hoist a hangy lew from the honker can be documented as your daily workout. Believe it or not calories are burned hiking the finger up the skirt of your face requiring the use of biceps, triceps and abs to hunt that monkey down from the trees.
As one researcher says, “Ripping nose chunks from the bunks three times a week for twenty minutes a day will peal the pounds off.”
2. Does tilting you head from side to side disconnect you from stress?
Tension loves to hide in the ride that keeps your head perfectly balanced. When you gently lower your ear lobes toward the shoulders holding up the world such lateral flexions convince the bodies system to let go. Think of it as neck farting. Eight percent of your body mass is connected to the thinker. Instead of making facing trying to hold it back…open up and say ahhhhhhhh.
3. Are most coworkers quiet because the voices in their head have better things to say?
According to the University of Manchester; mind texting is Captain Cool right on target with being completely downright in tune. Although Hollywood has painted the picture of hearing voices as being abnormal; the act of not responding makes you the freak with the leak.
4. How often should a coworker, spouse or friend be asked, “Are you mad at me?”
The top reason why we’re constantly driven to the corner or a squared circle with our arms dangling and face wide open is the majority of us lack the courage to confront anger. Therefore we question it.
One of the seven requirements of human survival is acceptance; when listening to a Richard Marx song is the only love you’re getting…then you’re sittin in a pool of pitty governed by a need to squeeze a reason from a grape that dried up three years ago.
5. Is it feasibly possible to not know how to have fun?
Hunter S Thompson once wrote, “They will not inherit the earth, but then neither will I... And I have learned to live, as it were, with the idea that I will never find peace and happiness, either. But as long as I know there's a pretty good chance I can get my hands on either one of them every once in a while, I do the best I can between high spots.
Take that thought and make today’s stupid Monday blog your own. Find five fricken minutes in your busy a** 24 hour period and answer the questions yourself.
Arroe’s answers:
1. How many calories does a booger have in it?
If they’re extremely light in calories can we pickle them like my mom used to save peaches and pears? Your neighbors will love the scent shot from the kitchen window. If snowed in this winter, forget hitting the grocery store for bread and milk…they add inches to your waist. Salt free greeny thingies will lead to an unforgettable six pack…be it beer to wash it down or an Usher clone…life is good when you recycle what your body makes!
2. Does tilting you head from side to side disconnect you from stress?
Chiropractors and acupuncturists love it when you pop your neck too much! Keep American doctors working! Grow stress like corn and pop that slender tube into place more times than Orville Redenbacher has kernels. Another top money maker for medical people is our need to stay connected to flat screens; cell phones, Kindles, television sets…your eyes weren’t designed to stare into flat objects. The more you do it…the more you’ll spend at the optometrist.
3. Are most coworkers quiet because the voices in their head have better things to say?
I have no clue…the voice maker sitting next to my ear drum is singing John Denver. Ask me later.
4. How often should a coworker, spouse or friend be asked, “Are you mad at me?”
Growing up in Montana in a family with eight kids being mad at each other is how you got the attention of the decision maker. If you aren’t mad at me I’m not doing my job.
5. Is it feasibly possible to not know how to have fun?
The problem with fun is that everyone thinks karaoke is a blast. Video games are the answer to a Friday night frat party. Hitting speeds of 90 plus on an open highway seems illegal unless you’re the one flying. I have a blast writing with an old fashioned ink well and nib every morning at sunrise. It’s also pretty incredible fun to be sent over someone’s back onto a hard mat in martial arts. The mind goes places before time catches up.
Stop trying to design fun. Comedy doesn’t exist. It’s a fancy word for relating. You only laugh because the person on stage has figured out a way to pull you into their story by carefully crafting words you connect with. They’re no different than a used car salesman. You either buy it or find yourself on a different lot.
Now it’s your turn…have fun doing it your way.
I will always believe in you first…
arroecollins@clearchannel.com
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