This just in…the weekend has been canceled. Lawmakers can’t tax the money you make if you’re locked in a position of relax; therefore our nation is losing dollars during your down time. By electing not to work interns and congressional pages will be laid off affecting subcommittees, bipartisan voting and the endless amount of money that seems to be growing on bailout trees.
Not true! Fake story! But what if?
Wait! Breaking news from San Francisco: Starting Monday drivers will be charged twenty five cents each time they tap their car brakes. Clean air officials believe acid rain is created by the dust that falls from brake pad when sailing down the cities twisty curvy hills. The air quality should improve by the year 2168.
Every city in America has its share of brilliant minds glued to only one purpose: figure out newer legal ways to tax, tax, tax without it coming across as being a new tax. Don’t be afraid of the people, there are no new oceans for them to sail across. Besides, they love video games and HBO they'll never leave them behind!
Holy Cow! Senator Michael Blah Finkle Walker just introduced a moon bill! People world wide that saw the movie Dear John and instantly stepped outside to see if the moon really is the size of their thumbnail will receive a $200 entertainment statement from the United States Government who claims squatter’s rights…we were there first with Apollo and like all amusement parks…you can’t get in free.
Congresswoman Molly Shank Waddle Do Diddy will speak to our nations mayors asking for their help in convincing all America and Canada that leaves still left on trees in the middle of winter should be taken down immediately and if residents ignore the ordinance there’ll be a ten dollar fine for every leaf still left on a tree.
As we inch closer and closer to April 15th courageous hardworking deeply dedicated and very lucky to have a job employee’s face the annual mind boggling question, “What can I get away with writing off on this year’s taxes?”
If we stopped on our side would they halt on their end?
California is the second largest state in the nation with far more people than most countries and their financial buckets are empty. The winter of oh 10 has been incredibly brutal on the east coast—state workers are being told, “No overtime! We can’t afford to get the job done right!”
No way! This just in! Mayor Harvey Pee-nuckle Crunch a Munch from Bakken Town, North Dakota is calling on all residents east of the city to begin paying for the snow, claiming every flake that falls after the Mississippi river was created in North Dakota and it takes a lot man hours to make sure every flake is unique and never the same and every state involved needs to fork out the bucks to keep this machine running.
Folks in Delaware and Tennessee are fighting back laying claim to being the creators of North and South Dakota, “If it wasn’t for my Great Grand Daddy’s covered wagon and love for Hip Hop music…nobody not even Lewis and Clark would’ve traveled beyond St. Lewis—therefore you owe us a belated inventors tax of two trillion dollars.”
Coming from Montana where there’s no sales tax and all things on the shelf are the price the sticker says…the most difficult culture shock to me was having to toss in another seven cents to the dollar. Charlotte, NC charges homeowners a run off tax to help pay for the city sewer system. Officials assume they know how much will be falling out of the sky inside a 52 week period and tack it onto your monthly statement. I still can’t believe how much money people are paying for water. If people suddenly stop using it…they’ll raise the rates again which guarantees they’ll never go out of business.
I love watching television between 11pm and 6 in the morning…the cable went out last night. I called the company asking for a break in the price. My heart medicine jumped up 80 bucks in price inside a month. The CVS Pharmacist couldn’t figure out why I made them dump out every pill in front of me to guarantee I was getting the exact amount of pills the bottle said was on the inside.
How many hours are you required to work per week that’ll help you financially break even?
The only thing missing in America is a dust bowl. Not to be confused with an ice cream bowl, cereal bowl, popcorn bowl or my mothers world famous bowl style haircut. Three years ago research showed the average family was one paycheck away from being labeled lower class. Wouldn’t it be great if the Mayor gave us a tax break like they do businesses for moving into the cities limits, “Thank you kind resident for making our town your new home…no city property tax for you for three years because we know you’ll invite your mother in law and her three cats to move in. We'll triple charge her!”
I work with someone who won’t get the N1H1 flu shot…he physically believes it’s the government’s way of planting a chip in your system. I always believed the chip was in my driver’s license—it’s with me everywhere I drive. When the nice police officer takes it back to his car he runs it through his computer and mine reads, “Don’t even think about asking him a question…you’ll get a three day poetic report that’ll be so far over your head you’ll be begging for congress to tax every word he speaks.”
What we truly need in this country is a giant can of root beer and a good old fashion burping contest. Somewhere inside all that noise will be a funny snort of sorts that’ll make us laugh the rest of our life. Sure they'll probably want to tax us but dang if we didn't have a good time honking so loud they heard us in Russia.
arroecollins@clearchannel.com
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